22 January 2006

not getting somewhere

I've always imagined myself having a "glam" job like being a fashion designer, jewelry designer, fashion columnist, stewardess, model, advertising agent, interior designer. A career that I could be proud of. But, it seems I always come short of the qualities that make those up. It seems what I have is mediocre and my efforts are lukewarm. These poor self-imagery are magnified at times when comparison is being made between me and people who sustain these jobs. By earthly measures they are successful and pangs of envy gripe at my heart. I ask: why is it not me who was in her shoes? Why do those things not happen to me? Ah, fate! Its wheel is crushing my spirit. I am not complaining about my job right now, it's just that it's far from what I had in mind. Growth of creativity is being stunted by routine. The outlets are checked by monotony. I think I have become a disappointment to myself for allowing this to happen. I have yet to discover what I shall do about this dilemma. But, is it under my control? I do not know. What I know is that my destiny is being held in God's loving hands. I can make so much plans and strive to fulfill them all, but they won't be successful if God does not play the biggest part in them. So, what is my purpose in wanting something so bad? Is it for my own interest? My family's? Or is it to serve God? If the last purpose is attained, then I can be assured it is the best thing for me. Degrading thoughts can continue to haunt me, I can at times beat myself up for mistakes that would jeopardize my budding career (if any) so I end up not getting somewhere in my professional life, but I guess I seem to be setting my perspectives aright and shaping myself up for the job that God Himself will delegate to me. It may not be a "glam" job, but it is from Him and for Him and that's what a true and promising job is.
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